Soon we’ll all be out there again. On the scene. Trying to make a connection with another human being. Well, not me. I’ll be married. Sorry, fellas. Other people, however, will be going to restaurants and socially distanced walks in the park. It’s important to know when you’re putting yourself out there again that there are easy ways to ruin a date. Luckily, the people of Reddit have some funny answers to the question: “You have five seconds to ruin a date. What do you do?”
Sadly, the answers are less about giving others advice, and more about telling strangers their own flaws. Also, how easily those flaws can show up while on a date with a new person. At least we can all laugh at our own failures still? Until, of course, we’re doing this sloppy routine every night and never getting laid. Still, that’s better than sitting at home alone and rewatching Hannibal for the 3rd time. Wait. Is it?
Here are the funniest responses the internet had to offer when asked “how can you ruin a date in 5 seconds?”:
1. Just be yourself.
“Eat my food like I do when I’m on my own.” –ToBoredomAGem
2. Too much, too soon.
“Propose to them.” –moist_bum
3. An important question.
“So, how much did you say you earn?” –dior_princess
4. Quite a date.
“My sister told me about a quiet pub date she had with a guy recently who bought himself 2 packs of pork scratchings. He opened both bags and separated them by most crunchy to least crunchy and then would pick 2 up at a time and ask her which one he should eat next. He did this for the whole date.
They didn’t have a second date.” –Reave1905
5. Wrong thing to say.
“Hi! Wow, you look just like my ex.” –firewire87
“Your mouth looks just big enough.” –ProfessionalHall8
7. Wow. No thank you.
“One time a guy leaned over and deeply smelled a lock of my hair within the first couple minutes of our meeting for the first time. I made up an excuse and left.” –LydiaAgain
8. If you wanna be my lover…
“Bring my friend and expect my date to treat them.” –sexykenobi
“Shit my pants.” –your-turn
10. Better yet.
“Shit their pants.” –no_not_like_that
11. Do… people have differing opinions on these?
“So, what’s your opinion on STDs?” –Horrifying_Truths
12. The nice guy move.
“I’m a really nice guy, like super nice, I would treat you so Good. Now show me your tits.” –invinoveritasbitch
13. A nightmare.
“I’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.” –goldomega
14. Cow’s it going?
“Sniff them then moo seductively.” –literatepuppeteer
15. That’s a no from me.
“That dress makes you look kind of fat.” –doomsdaydave245
16. This is too specific to have not happened once.
“Pour salt on them and say ‘sorry, I really, really, reaaaaaaallllllly hate slugs.'” –Randomredditwhale
17. Top tier mean thing.
“Pull up their social media and point out all the things they like that you don’t.” –_manicpixie
18. A conversation starter for me.
“I think Epstein got a bad rap. He touched so many lives.” –fenringsfavor
19. He knows what he did.
“Punch the waiter.” –HumanDudeGuyIsTaken
20. Sounds like a woman who knows what she wants.
“A girl once asked me as a first question on a first date, first meeting, What is the size of you penis.
Date ended pretty quick.
Fun fact, I saw her years later at a grocery store and had the thought of dropping a cucumber in her cart and saying ‘about that big.'” –thedoctor3009
21. Are we not supposed to do that? I’m excited.
“Clap and whistle when the food arrives.” –04zara
22. Say the creepiest thing.
“Tell them they remind you of your grandpa, who you’ve always had a thing for.” –no_not_like_that
23. Good enough.