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“If The US Were A Bar”—People Are Guessing What Each State Would Be Drinking

Imagine your state’s a person. Good, good, now … how would they drink? Reddit answered that question for us with an awesome thread showing us just how crazy it might get in this bar!

1. Nevada

Nevada has been sh-t faced since it showed up. u/UNeverLeaveVegas11

2. Maine

Maine is wearing an L.L. Bean flannel and drinking Allen’s Coffee Brandy. u/JohnMcClane2261

3. Idaho

Idaho is drinking Keystone Light and pretending they are part of the South. u/TM1323

4. Kansas

Kansas is dressed in a plaid shirt, jeans and clean boots. He’s friendly enough and even buys a round to get the party started. After a few drinks, it’s obvious he feels sorry for Oklahoma, hates Missouri, and is hung up on Colorado. After striking out with California, him and Wisconsin get hammered and sing “Country Boy.” He’s last seen drunkenly explaining why Jesus is conservative to a much more sober New York, who finds him repulsive. He knows and doesn’t care. u/DiabolicCoffee

5. Florida

Florida’s drinking detergent they found in the back. u/thehangoverer

6. Michigan

Michigan is picking up the empties to return them and buy more beer. u/chase_concentrates

7. Iowa

Iowa left the bar to go drink Hawkeye Vodka at a bon fire in the middle of a corn field owned by a friend of a friend’s uncle. u/Packrat1010

8. Missouri

Missouri is laying outside in the parking lot with a needle in its arm and a bottle of store-bought “moonshine” half-empty beside him. u/SEMOguy

9. Delaware

Delaware is that guy who hangs around the outside of the New York, Pennsylvania, Maryland and New Jersey friend-circle, taking occasional sips from his Yuengling and mostly being ignored, except when New York has to go past him to get to the bar. Whenever he talks to other states he always brings up how close he is to “all his awesome friends” on the East Coast. — deleted

10. Illinois

Most of Illinois is drinking bourbon, but Chicago is drinking Malort for some unknown reason. Most of Illinois is drinking bourbon, but Chicago is drinking Malort for some unknown reason. u/delscorch0

11. Arizona

Arizona is the bouncer, kicking Mexicans out who are trying to get in from the bar across the street. Ironically, he’s drinking Tecate. — deleted

12. Oklahoma

Oklahoma is a guy who used to be the big man on campus, still drinks 18 Coors Light cans in a night, all while telling everyone about his glory days on the football field. Nice guy but ignorant as hell. u/readingCOBRA26

13. Wyoming

Wyoming would be on the roof with a rifle, muttering about black helicopters. u/Mr_frumpish

14. South Carolina

South Carolina is an overly drunk guy in his mid-twenties, wearing preppy pastel clothes, a sports jacket, and pants with little boats embroidered on them. He is talking about what he is going to do with his family’s old money to anyone who listens. He’s drinking an Old Fashioned. u/motherboy

15. Arkansas

Arkansas is drinking moonshine out of a Mason jar and sighing while all the other states watch their professional sports teams. u/Klondike3

16. West Virginia

West Virginia is downin’ enough bud light to float a battleship, and talkin’ nostalgically of the days when copper prices were higher.u/wrgsta

17. Massachusetts

Massachusetts is in a bar fight with New York over sports. u/bwburke94

18. New Mexico

New Mexico is the quirky but good-natured one who is getting a bit too wasted with whatever shots the other states buy them because they can’t afford it. u/shatteredpatterns

19. North Carolina

North Carolina is having an argument with itself under one of the TVs. The tech-savvy trendy persona with a programming job is trying to convince the way-too-big-truck-driving redneck persona to turn off the Fox News and go order a local craft beer instead of another bud light.u/unintentional_jerk

20. Montana

I’ll have to split up Montana. Eastern Montana is a cowboy drinking Budweiser and gets into a fight with Wyoming over sheep vs. cattle, but this happens every week and they make up afterwards. Western Montana is a hipster/hippie throwback with dreadlocks who drinks craft beer or PBR and absolutely reeks of marijuana. u/sheepboy32785

21. New Jersey

New Jersey: jaegerbombs and giving you all the finger. u/richard_photograph

22. Ohio

Ohio is alternating liquor and beer just as he alternates his feelings towards LeBron. u/el_butt

23. Wisconsin

Wisconsin is drinking New Glarus and eating cheese curds. u/-eDgAR-

24. South Dakota

South Dakota is an older, in-shape man with long, straight black hair tied in a pony tail. He looks vaguely Native American and sits at the bar carving various little statuettes out of soapstone. He’s wearing a worn leather biker vest and has a colt .45 at his hip, but despite his rough appearance many of his neighbors like Minnesota and Wyoming come over to talk to him and seem to get along quite well, often admiring his handiwork. Other states however don’t seem to notice him much, passing him by without a second thought. — deleted

25. Oregon

Oregon rolls up with a pony keg of something he made in his garage, and is trading pints for weed or bike parts. u/capnhist

26. New York

New York is an Italian businessman, wearing an expensive suit, with a perfect haircut and slicked back hair. He is talking down to New Jersey, like a father talking to a son, and he’s drinking scotch. u/motherboy

27. Virginia

Virginia is drinking some local craft beer that their friend made at their brewery. They will only talk about all of the fancy craft beer they have drank while complaining about traffic. u/TheDrallen

28. Tennessee

Tennessee is drinking Jack Daniels, and watching Nascar. u/JP243TN

29. California

California is constantly buying drinks for others, yet has failing kidneys from lack of hydration. u/BoxofLazers

30. Hawaii

Hawaii is alone in a corner of the bar away from the other states drinking a cocktail from a coconut. u/-eDgAR

31. Rhode Island

Rhode Island is drinking Narragansett pounders and is sitting on phone books on its barstool. u/botulizard

32. Maryland

Maryland’s drinking Natty Boh and won’t shut up about the Orioles. He’ll offer to drive people home but no one wants to die that badly. u/93notes

33. Louisiana

Louisiana is celebrating that lack of open container laws by standing outside of the bar with an Abita Amber or a Sazerac and looking disdainfully at the drinking abilities of all of the other states. “Amateurs.” u/anglerfishtacos

34. Pennsylvania

Pennsylvania is a cheery, pretty brunette girl with blue eyes, dressed fairly preppy, but not as much as Massachusetts. She’s drinking Yuengling and making out with a handful of other states. u/motherboy

35. Georgia

Georgia would be somewhere along the lines of “Hold my beer and watch this…” u/SqueakyTheCat

36. Washington

Washington is drinking a variety of craft beers out of a “build it yourself” six pack while they casually roll a joint on the back porch with pot they bought from the recreational dispensary. –deleted

37. Connecticut

Connecticut is a rich white woman sipping a martini and silently judging all the other states. u/CheerUpRae

38. North Dakota

North Dakota is upset everyone mistakes them for being the same as South Dakota, and is drinking whisky in the corner. u/D45_B053

39. Mississippi

Mississippi went to Waffle House. u/FatalisticComet

40. Nebraska

Nebraska is talking about football with Oklahoma and drinking whatever the cheapest beer available is. u/350125_31G

41. Vermont

Vermont is quietly drinking a local craft beer sampler, contemplating the current state of politics while trying to ignore the obnoxious New York men jousting with the pool cues. –deleted

42. New Hampshire

New Hampshire is a skinny, nerdy white guy in a collared shirt and khakis, who also carried in signs for his favorite political candidate. He’s drinking craft beer and getting into philosophical and political discussions with Vermont and Maine, but is open to talking to everyone. He is quick to tell everyone he loves himself, and humbly without arrogance. u/motherboy

43. Alabama

Alabama is a fat guy with a goatee, wearing a camo jacket and a trucker hat. Despite his drunkenness and outwards appearance of being a racist redneck, he is actually pretty nice to everyone at the bar. He’s drinking a can of budweiser. u/motherboy

44. Kentucky

Kentucky would be drinking bourbon and arguing with anybody who will listen about college basketball. u/captaindammit87

45. Minnesota

Minnesota is a pleasant guy drinking Summit Extra Pale Ale and will happily buy you one. He’s hanging out with his idiot high school friend Wisconsin and his obnoxious brother-in-law North Dakota even though he doesn’t want to but he’s too nice to tell them to bug off. He secretly has a crush on the upper peninsula of Michigan, but is weirded out by her conjoined twin, the lower peninsula. He leaves early because he’s going fishing in the morning. u/Handseamer

46. Alaska

Alaska would be 20 drinks in before showing up to the bar. u/cracknagy

47. Utah

Utah is the DD, drinking water and talking to Pennsylvania, who he’s glad isn’t driving everyone home. u/rock_buster

48. Texas

Texas is singing karaoke about how great Texas is. u/Siberwulf

49. Colorado

Colorado is a beautiful, perfectly athletic couple wearing all Patagonia, drinking craft beer talking about their last mountaineering trip, with an air of aloofness. They are hanging with California.u/motherboy

50. Indiana

 Indiana is in line for the pisser, checking out Montana’s big a** and thinking about how bullsh*t it is that it can’t buy alcohol on Sunday. u/bulletprooftampon