Yesterday we happened upon is personal favorite for anyone who loves hilarious self-deprecation. u/marginalpotato‘s delightful question:
“What is the stupidest thing that ever came out of your mouth?”
Now, obviously everyone has responded “you too” after the waiter said “have a nice meal” but some of these answers go painfully, and hilariously beyond that…
I was learning about the American civil war in history class. My teacher asked me what the main difference was between the north and the south in the war. I decided to respond “there were a lot of people.”
This year I was elected president of the photography club. Had a long day (online classes for 7 hours + 2 hour evening classes + 2 hour tutoring) and had to attend a club meeting that evening.
One of the members asked me what camera I used, and in my brain-turned-jelly state I answer “Nokia”.
3. Have a nice day
When the cashier said “Have a nice day”, and I replied with “No, thanks”.
Background: I wasnt thinking straight that day, and thought they said “Do you want a bag”
4. Twin Confusion
Her: the twins are 3 years old
Me: Both of them?
5. At Home
Chatting to a homeless guy on the street and he told me he was feeling unwell. I told him he should be at home, resting.
6. Last Dance
Watching the documentary ‘The Last Dance’ when a Kobe interview pops up –
Me: “Wow, they must have filmed this before Kobe died.”
My wife: “Yeah, obviously….”
Asked my friend how his mom was doing at his moms funeral.
In my freshman year of college I was dorming next door to a couple cute girls. About a week into the first semester one girl walked from the coed showers to her dorm room in her towel still wet. We were both unlocking our doors to get in our rooms when she looks at me and says…
“I know I look stunning…(sarcastically)”
To which I replied, “don’t flatter yourself.”
I had to slid a note under her door explaining I was tongue tied as she was beautiful and I meant to say “don’t be hard on yourself, you look great.” (Or something to that nature). We became good friends.
9. Nope, cannot check.
A couple of months ago, I got up and drove to work as usual. Later, my girlfriend texted me from home to ask me if she had left her sunglasses in my car. I told her I wasn’t sure, but she could grab my spare key and go check. In my car. Which I had driven to work.
10. A pound
In my head I was wondering what one pound of water would look like in terms of volume. What I said out loud however was “How much does a pound of water weigh?”
I was about 4 months into my current job, feeling confident being fresh off the contract-to-hire period, now moved into a coveted full time role. While walking back to my office from the morning kanban I was stopped by my boss, head peeking out of the office:
Boss: “Hey TheMediator, do you have a sec?”
Me: “For you, I’ve got lots of secs!”
Boss: wide-eyes, mouth dropped
If you’re curious why this was incredibly stupid/embarrassing, try saying the phrase “lots of secs” out loud. Preferably, not to your boss though.
12. Long Sleeve Pants
It was my birthday and it was getting cold outside so I announced to everyone that I was going inside to put on “long sleeve pants”.
13. Cat’s a cat
When our cat was having kittens, a friend was petting one of them and I said: “Ya’ know, her mum’s also a cat.”
Probably the time I was on my honeymoon in Hawaii when I asked my new husband why there wasn’t a bridge to Hawaii.
Me: I mean, if there can be a bridge to Alaska, why cant there be a bridge to Hawaii? Husband: There’s not a bridge to Alaska though? Me: Then how do people drive there?? Husband: …Canada. Canada is the bridge.
Still just about die of embarrassment every time I think about that one.
15. Bet on the LOSER
“I don’t understand why people place bets on who wins, why not just place bets on who loses?”
16. Crows fly
I was wondering why they had shut the gate at my kids school and I looked around and saw heaps of crows and I said to another parent ” probably shut the gates the keep the crows out ” 😳🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ as soon as it left my mouth I remembered they can fly… the other parent lost it laughing and I wanted the floor to swallow me up
17. Duck Legs
“But what about the duck’s back legs?” I didn’t even immediately rethink it when my friend just stared at me.
“What month is April in?” I hadn’t slept in a couple days and was trying to figure out what the date was.
19. Maybe there’s a better phrase?
My neighbor was leaving for a funeral. A close family member had committed suicide by hanging. We talked for a bit. I gave her my condolences.
Then as she was leaving I said “Hang in there”. 🤦🏻♀️
20. Beware the effects of sleep deprivation.
I got off a red-eye, very sleep-deprived, and realized I forgot my glasses on the plane. I asked the very kind gate agent if she could go check my seat to see if she could find them.
While she was gone, I touched my face and felt my glasses.
I was mortified and apologized profusely when she returned. She was really nice about it though.
21. You should try Home Depot.
During my Supermarket days, somebody asked me where the toilets were, I replied: “we don’t sell toilets”. I still cringe.