Dating in your thirties is like, “so, what do you do for work and fun!! also what traumas have you accumulated by this point that I should be mindful of?”
— Chris Stedman (@ChrisDStedman) February 2, 2020
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
— Rave Sashayed (@_sashayed) March 6, 2018
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
— batkaren (@batkaren) December 17, 2015
[at a party]
Me: *over the music* DO YOU HAVE A RECYCLING BIN?
— Joe Zappulla (@ZappullaJ) April 22, 2017
13: When will I know I’m an adult?
Me: When you have a favorite spatula.
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) October 30, 2017
My workout schedule:
Age 20: Ran every day.
Age 25: Exercised once a week.
Age 31: Pulled a muscle walking to the fridge.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 27, 2017
Her: i’m in the mood
Me: me too
Her: wanna do it
Me: oh yeah baby
[we drive to Home Depot to look at paint]
— Funkhouser (@AJslackie2) October 29, 2016
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
— Sarah (@thetigersez) February 12, 2018
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) April 25, 2017
— Andrew Searles (@andrewsearles) April 5, 2016
Welcome to your 30s. You have a favorite reusable shopping bag now.
— Witchy Woman (@dreamthievin) October 24, 2017
“What is life in your 30s like?”
“You get excited about a restaurant’s location because it’s close to Target and you need to buy soap.”
— Karen K. Ho (Doomscrolling Reminder Lady) (@karenkho) July 19, 2017
I can’t be the only one who lowkey forgets what they do for a living after taking more than a week off work
— dana (@dmicheleeee) December 30, 2020
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
— Regional Expert (@SortaBad) October 4, 2017
Welcome to your 30s. You peed 20 minutes ago but you could def go again already.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) October 23, 2017
Sex In Your 30s #Haiku
We can open this
2nd bottle or wine, or
have sex—but not both.
— Anna Pulley (@annapulley) April 29, 2015
Being an adult means knowing the right thing to do and knowing a great excuse not to do it.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 3, 2017
Being in your thirties: wondering if a dress is too short to wear to the pub and then remembering that you used to wear it to work.
— Dr Charlotte Lydia Riley (@lottelydia) January 21, 2018
Partying in your thirties is like partying in your twenties, except everyone’s arguing about daylight savings time, and my back hurts.
— Brosephine Wires (@JoParkerBear) March 12, 2017
The difference between my 20s vs. 30s going to a wedding: At 20 I bought a dress too small & starved to fit, now I buy too big so I can eat
— Anna Zap (@AnnaZapOnAir) September 4, 2017