‘Husband Twitter’ Is Just A Bunch Of Husbands Whining, But It’s Pretty Great (35 Tweets)
16.
In 34 years on this planet I’ve learned one very important lesson that I’m going to pass on to you fellas. She can eat your fries. You cannot eat her fries
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) August 17, 2020
17.
GOD [creates the sun]
GOD’S WIFE: I am still cold
— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) December 26, 2020
18.
If your wife tells you to do whatever you want, the last thing you should do (and I can’t stress this enough) is whatever you want.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 28, 2020
19.
A minute of silence for all those husbands who believed in their wife saying, “no gifts for Christmas this year”
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 25, 2020
20.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
— Forward March (@RunOldMan) January 1, 2021
21.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
— Doc 🍥 (@DocAtCDI) January 11, 2021
22.
Marriage is finding the one person you dislike slightly less than anyone else and deciding to pay bills together
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) January 27, 2021
23.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise— eric (@ericsshadow) May 23, 2016
24.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 9, 2016
25.
Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016
26.
Me: happy anniversary!
Wife: *eyes narrow*
Me: what
Wife: I just think it would be more romantic if you didn’t say that every morning just in case
— Village Person (@SvnSxty) August 6, 2020
27.
Wife: What are you wearing?
Me: I wanted to make a statement.
Wife: Was that statement “I don’t know how to dress myself?”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 31, 2020
28.
The Mrs and I have been married so long she can finish my sentences.
She also starts most of them and supplies the middle parts too.— The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) April 12, 2016
29.
When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
— The Dad (@thedad) March 24, 2013
30.
therapist: so why do you want to end your marriage?
wife: I hate the constant star wars puns
husband: divorce is strong with this one
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) May 18, 2015
31.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
— Brad Broaddus (@BradBroaddus) May 26, 2012
32.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?— Pete Lynch ⚪️ (@PJTLynch) November 3, 2013
33.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
— Pete Lynch ⚪️ (@PJTLynch) March 25, 2013
34.
Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife’s home.
— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) May 28, 2015
35.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount— keith (@tchrquotes) November 4, 2014