In 34 years on this planet I’ve learned one very important lesson that I’m going to pass on to you fellas. She can eat your fries. You cannot eat her fries
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) August 17, 2020
GOD [creates the sun]
GOD’S WIFE: I am still cold
— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) December 26, 2020
If your wife tells you to do whatever you want, the last thing you should do (and I can’t stress this enough) is whatever you want.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 28, 2020
A minute of silence for all those husbands who believed in their wife saying, “no gifts for Christmas this year”
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 25, 2020
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
— Forward March (@RunOldMan) January 1, 2021
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
— Doc 🍥 (@DocAtCDI) January 11, 2021
Marriage is finding the one person you dislike slightly less than anyone else and deciding to pay bills together
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) January 27, 2021
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
— eric (@ericsshadow) May 23, 2016
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 9, 2016
Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016
Me: happy anniversary!
Wife: *eyes narrow*
Wife: I just think it would be more romantic if you didn’t say that every morning just in case
— Village Person (@SvnSxty) August 6, 2020
Wife: What are you wearing?
Me: I wanted to make a statement.
Wife: Was that statement “I don’t know how to dress myself?”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 31, 2020
The Mrs and I have been married so long she can finish my sentences.
She also starts most of them and supplies the middle parts too.
— The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) April 12, 2016
When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
— The Dad (@thedad) March 24, 2013
therapist: so why do you want to end your marriage?
wife: I hate the constant star wars puns
husband: divorce is strong with this one
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) May 18, 2015
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
— Brad Broaddus (@BradBroaddus) May 26, 2012
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
— Pete Lynch ⚪️ (@PJTLynch) November 3, 2013
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
— Pete Lynch ⚪️ (@PJTLynch) March 25, 2013
Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife’s home.
— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) May 28, 2015
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
— keith (@tchrquotes) November 4, 2014