This Keurig-Like Machine For Ice Cream Is Not What We Need Right Now, But Also It Kind Of Is

What the world needs now is more ice cream. Sure, we don’t leave the house for days at a stretch, and we’ve decided to throw our diets out the window early this year. But, I think the solution is more food.

You know how some people throw money at their problems? Well, I don’t have enough cash on hand to satiate my keen desires. Instead, I smother all my negative feelings and impulses under a thick layer of coffee and sugar. Separately, of course. I drink black coffee and eat pounds of tres leches.

I don’t mean to make this about me, but I’m pretty sure I’m the target demographic for ColdSnap’s new instant soft-serve ice-cream maker. The demographic? People who have completely given up.

Join me, won’t you? As we take a look at the at-home ice cream maker that could straight up ruin any hope of me losing weight in 2021.

ColdSnap invented an easy-to-use ice cream maker, and it’s what we need right now:

The world may never be the same after this moment. We will tell our children about “going out” for ice cream the same way we talk about movie theaters. Or how our parents talked about vinyl. It’s over, Dairy Queen. We’ve cut out the middle man.

Now people can make soft serve in the comfort of their own home or office kitchen because “screw it”:

keurig like ice cream maker, soft serve at home, food and dessert, coldsnap

This couple is super excited to take a nap right after this snack.

According to the ColdSnap website, people can use the device to make instant fruit smoothies and protein shakes, but may I be the first to say: “No.”

You know what this is for. We can all pretend we use the back massagers from Bed Bath & Beyond, but we know what they’re for. No one is buying a pasta maker to make zucchini noodles. No one is buying the instant ice cream maker to try Fro-Yo. Give me the instant ice cream and do no look me in the eye.

keurig like ice cream maker, soft serve at home, food and dessert, coldsnap

I’m honestly shocked they’re using a bowl. If I were in this ad, I’d have my face directly under the spout. I weigh 245 pounds.

ColdSnap’s video seems to claim its recyclable pods are as simple to use as a Keurig:

Countdown to the company saying “please do not open and squeeze the pods directly into your mouth” like that Juicero company had to do. We know the sugar is in there. The day will come when we don’t even want to wait for the machine to fully cool it for us.

keurig like ice cream maker, soft serve at home, food and dessert, coldsnap

ColdSnap, please contact us directly. I am willing to test the machine and provide a glowing review of your product. I’m already sold.

The pods are recyclable, and therefore you must eat the ice cream or else you think Climate Change is good:

I don’t make the rules. According to ColdSnap the “pods are made from Aluminum and (unlike plastic) are infinitely recyclable. Because ColdSnap™ pods are shelf-stable and can be shipped at ambient temperature, the system is independent of the expensive, unreliable, and environmentally unfriendly “cold chain” used to bring today’s factory-frozen ice cream to market. ColdSnap™ pods will result in a 25% to 50% reduction in carbon emissions associated with making and distributing ice cream.”

If you eat regular ice cream, have fun explaining to your grandchildren why you ruined the planet. I’m joking. You won’t even be allowed to speak to your family if you don’t buy one of these.

keurig like ice cream maker, soft serve at home, food and dessert, coldsnap

Delicious. I can’t wait to wrap my lips around a spoon of lightning-fast ice cream. If I don’t have to waste all that time waiting in line at the old ice cream parlor, or worse, digging into the rock-hard ice cream currently in my freezer, I can spend more time exercising. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Can You imagine?

I’m going to die young.

Watch their video to see how easy it is to use the ice cream machine:

I’ll take two.

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